36 Questions to Fall in Love: How They Work, Plus New Ones to Ask
104 questions · By Dima Tretyak, creator of DeepTalk · Updated
The 36 questions to fall in love come from a 1997 psychology study. Two people take turns asking each other questions that get more personal as they go, and both answer every one. The idea is simple: sharing a little more each round brings people closer.
We don't reprint the original list here. Instead, this page explains how the exercise works and gives you our own questions in the same spirit: three sets of 12 that you can run the same way, plus questions for dates, long-term couples, texting and what to ask afterward.
Set 1: easy questions to start falling in love
Light but personal. These are about everyday life, habits and small tastes, so both of you can warm up before the harder questions.
- 1What's something you're looking forward to that most people wouldn't find exciting?
- 2What do you do in the first ten minutes after you get home?
- 3Where do you go when you want an hour to yourself?
- 4What's a small purchase that made your daily life noticeably better?
- 5What's a word or phrase you say so often that your friends tease you about it?
- 6What's the last topic you went way too deep on just for fun?
- 7Which place in your town would you show a visitor so they'd understand you better?
- 8Which childhood game or toy would you still happily play with today?
- 9What's a piece of advice you keep ignoring, even though you know it's right?
- 10What kind of mess can you live with, and what kind drives you up the wall?
- 11What's the most interesting conversation you've ever overheard in public?
- 12How do you like to spend the first warm day of the year?
Set 2: deeper questions to fall in love
Values, the past and how you handle feelings. Slow down, answer honestly, ask a follow-up before you move on, and pass on anything you'd rather not get into.
- 13What's a time you changed your mind about someone after getting to know them?
- 14Who outside your family shaped who you are, and how?
- 15What's a hard conversation you're glad you had?
- 16What's the most helpful thing someone has done for you on a bad day?
- 17What's a promise you made to yourself that you've kept?
- 18What did you learn about money from the house you grew up in?
- 19What's a mistake that taught you more than a win ever did?
- 20What's something you're still a little angry about, years later?
- 21What's a big choice from a few years ago that you'd make the same way today?
- 22What's a value you hold even when it costs you something?
- 23How do you usually make things right after you've hurt someone?
- 24What's a part of your past you rarely bring up but don't mind talking about?
Rather play than scroll? DeepTalk deals these out one card at a time.
Set 3: the most personal questions to fall in love
Questions about closeness, trust and the two of you. Go at your own pace, and either of you can pass.
- 25What's the hardest part of being close to you, honestly?
- 26What do you find hard to say to someone you're starting to like?
- 27What's something you're proud of that you don't usually bring up?
- 28What's a question you'd find hard to answer honestly with someone new?
- 29How can you tell you're starting to feel close to someone?
- 30What makes it hard for you to let someone see you at your worst?
- 31What are you most scared of getting wrong when you let someone in?
- 32What do you think we'd disagree about, and how would we handle it?
- 33What's a small thing someone can do that makes you feel taken care of?
- 34What would help you trust someone faster, and what would slow it down?
- 35What's a question you secretly hope someone will ask you?
- 36What kind of closeness are you hoping for in your life right now?
Questions to ask on a date to fall in love
For a first or second date with someone you like. They're easy to answer at a table or on a walk, and most of them lead to a story. For more openers, see questions to ask your crush.
- 37What's a topic that makes your eyes light up when someone brings it up?
- 38What do you hope someone notices about you early on?
- 39What's the most romantic place you've ever been, even if you were there alone?
- 40What's a small gesture on a date that tells you a lot about a person?
- 41What would make tonight a story worth telling later?
- 42How did your parents or grandparents meet, and how do they tell it?
- 43What does a great conversation feel like to you?
- 44What's a hobby you'd happily teach someone on a date?
- 45What's something about you that usually takes people a few dates to find out?
- 46What's the best part of a first date for you: the nerves, the talking or the walk home?
Questions to fall in love with your partner again
For couples who've been together for years or are married. These bring back the curiosity of the early days, when you still had a lot to learn about each other.
- 47If we met for the first time today, what do you think we'd talk about?
- 48What's something new about me you've noticed this year?
- 49What's a part of my life you'd like to know more about?
- 50What's something you'd like us to be beginners at together?
- 51What's a place from our early days you'd like to go back to?
- 52What's a story about me you like telling other people?
- 53What's a part of yourself you've put on hold that you'd like back?
- 54What's a small thing I still do that gets you every time?
- 55What do you find more attractive about me now than when we met?
- 56What would you like us to stop being too busy for?
Deep romantic questions for couples
About love itself and how each of you gives and receives it. Good for a quiet evening at home. More in questions for couples.
- 57What's something about love you learned from movies that turned out to be wrong?
- 58Where do you feel most relaxed with me, and why there?
- 59What's a way you'd like to show up for me that you're still figuring out?
- 60What's a sacrifice you'd make for love, and one you wouldn't?
- 61What does taking care of each other look like on a normal Tuesday?
- 62What part of you feels safest with me, and what part still feels shy?
- 63What's a way you show love that people sometimes miss?
- 64What did the couples you grew up around teach you about love?
- 65What do you think keeps two people curious about each other?
- 66What's a romantic gesture that would mean more to you than flowers?
Flirty questions to fall in love
Playful questions for a crush or a partner. They work on a date or over text, and they make it easy to show you're interested.
- 67At what point in a conversation do you know you're into someone?
- 68What's a look someone can give you that makes you lose your train of thought?
- 69If you had one evening to make me fall for you, what would you plan?
- 70What's the most charming thing someone can say on a first date?
- 71Which of your features do you think is most underrated?
- 72What's something cute you'd do if you weren't trying to play it cool?
- 73What's the sweetest way someone could ask you out?
- 74How long does it usually take you to admit you have a crush?
- 75What's a compliment you've gotten that you still think about?
- 76What would you want to find out about me on a second date?
Questions to fall in love over text
Short questions for a chat with someone you like. Send one at a time and save the longer talks for when you're together.
- 77What's something you saw today that made you think of me?
- 78What's one thing you'd want to know about me before you fall asleep tonight?
- 79What's a small win from today you want me to celebrate with you?
- 80What song would you send me right now to sum up your day?
- 81What's the longest you've ever spent writing one text to someone?
- 82What's your honest first reaction when my name pops up on your screen?
- 83What's a question you'd rather I ask you in person than over text?
- 84What's one part of your day you'd only tell someone you like?
- 85What's a place you'd like to show me the next time we're together?
- 86What's a memory you'd like to make with me before the end of the year?
Questions to ask after the 36 questions
For the end of a long, honest talk, or for a second round a few days later. They help you look back at what you said and decide what to talk about next.
- 87What surprised you most about talking this openly?
- 88What's something I said tonight that you're still curious about?
- 89What did you almost say tonight but held back?
- 90What's something you said tonight that you'd like to explain a little better?
- 91What was easier to say tonight than you thought it would be?
- 92What did you learn about yourself by saying things out loud?
- 93What's something you know about me now that you didn't an hour ago?
- 94What's one thing from tonight you want to remember?
- 95What topic should we save for our next long talk?
- 96What would you like us to keep doing after tonight?
Juicy questions for couples
A little bolder, for two adults who are already together and comfortable with each other. Keep it fun, and either of you can skip.
- 97What's a kiss of ours you still think about?
- 98What's something I wear that you can't stop looking at?
- 99What's a moment you wanted to kiss me and didn't?
- 100What's the boldest thing you'd try with me on a date?
- 101What's a text from me you've read more than once?
- 102When did you last get butterflies around me?
- 103What's a secret wish you have for our next weekend away?
- 104What's something I do that you find more attractive than I probably realize?
How to use these questions
- Sit together with phones away. The exercise works best face to face, not over text.
- Take turns reading a question out loud, and both of you answer every one.
- Go through the three sets in order, from light to personal.
- Give each set about 15 minutes, so the whole thing takes around 45.
- Answer honestly, but let each other pass on anything that feels like too much.
- Listen more than you plan your own answer, and ask a follow-up when something lands.
- Only do this with someone who knows what it is and wants to try it. Don't spring it on a date as a test.
- Afterward, pick a few of the questions to ask after the 36 questions and talk about what came up.
Play them as cards instead
DeepTalk deals questions like these one card at a time, with 20 decks and over 2,000 questions for couples and friends.
Frequently asked questions
What are the 36 questions to fall in love?
They're a list of 36 questions from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin as "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings". The questions come in three sets of 12, and each set is more personal than the one before.
What happens in the 36 questions?
Two people take turns asking the questions, and both answer each one. They start with light questions and end with very personal ones about themselves and each other. The whole thing takes about 45 minutes, roughly 15 per set.
Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?
Not on their own. In the study, pairs of strangers who asked each other these questions said they felt closer than pairs who asked each other small-talk questions. The researchers were clear that this creates a feeling of closeness, not commitment or a lasting relationship. The questions became famous in January 2015 through Mandy Len Catron's Modern Love essay in The New York Times. She and the man she tried them with ended with four minutes of silent eye contact, a step from her essay, not from the original study.
Where can I find the original 36 questions or a PDF?
The original list was published in the 1997 paper. The New York Times reprinted it in 2015 alongside the Modern Love essay, and Greater Good in Action at UC Berkeley publishes it as "36 Questions for Increasing Closeness". We don't reprint it or link a PDF here; this page has our own questions in the same format.
How long do the 36 questions take?
About 45 minutes in total, or roughly 15 minutes per set of 12. Don't rush the last set. Those questions usually take the longest to answer.
Can couples who are already together use the 36 questions?
Yes. The study used strangers, but couples can use the same format to talk about things they don't usually bring up. Our questions to fall in love with your partner again and the deep romantic questions above are written for people who've been together for a while.
What are some flirty or juicy questions to ask?
Try "What's a look someone can give you that makes you lose your train of thought?" or "What's the sweetest way someone could ask you out?" For couples, "What's a moment you wanted to kiss me and didn't?" works well. Keep the bolder ones for someone who's comfortable with you.
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